i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Shame - the story of my life.
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