I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
