I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
