you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
