But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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