did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
