May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
