Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You need Xanax blowdarts
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
