No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
