You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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