idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
