My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
