Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
