this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
