I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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