i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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