Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
