she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
