Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
