Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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