can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
