I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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