i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
