Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
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Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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