I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
