i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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