I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
