Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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