I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
