got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
