Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
