Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
