After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
