I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
