I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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