I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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