my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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