Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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