I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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