Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
