I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
