I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
