There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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