Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
