i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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