apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
