Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
