You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
