Kiss
Puke
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
