I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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