Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
