I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
