There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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