You smell like a Billy Joel song
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
