I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
