If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
is that a dick in a sweater?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
