WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
