FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
COCAINE IS GR8
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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